Fear (by Sue)

I have this constant fear, what happens if he relapses. I don’t think I could do it. Watch my child die or go through hell. I suppose if it happens somehow I’ll get through it for him. I keep asking the nurses about the statistics of it all. I understand statistics. I know what high risk of relapse means. But I haven’t got any numbers for the percentage chance he has got for this relapse. I’m told the most likely time for relapse is the 2 years after treatment has finished. I know if he relapses it’s really, really, really, really bad. The thing is I desperately ask Rosie (the oncology nurse, not my 15 year old niece) all these questions, but I already know what I want to be told. I want to be told it’s going to be alright. That it doesn’t get any worse. That we just have to get through these 3 years of treatment and he’ll be ok. Then I get a small piece of information and mull it over. I constantly worry that we made the wrong decision about not going into the trial. But I don’t know the statistics. And what if the worse thing happens and it’s all my fault. And in my head it’s the worse possible scenario and I don’t think I can do it.